One of my favourite things is to be alone. I like being
alone in public, but a part of me is always afraid to be so. I like sitting
alone in a café with a book and a coffee. I like sitting alone in a park, again
with a book or a coffee. I like walks by myself. With a coffee. In fact, my
favourite moments involve solitude, books and coffee. I have always felt the need to hide when by
myself, however. The thought of being alone in the open, of having my solitude
interrupted scared me. Maybe this was due to being young, or the fact that
Dublin is small, or just caring too much about what others think of me. Being
put in a situation where the only option was to be by myself was liberating.
There was something so nice about sitting on a bench in St James’s Park, watching
the passers-by, reading, being completely and utterly by myself. I entertained
brief fantasies about meeting the love of my life, but they remained nothing
more than fantasies. The fact that my friends were unable to answer my calls made me think about how our attachment
to technology makes it difficult to be alone, and perhaps this is why I have
always been so wary of sitting in a café by myself. We are always so accessible,
a brief text of “hey, are you around at the moment? x” prevents us from having
to be alone for too long, keeps the fear of other people’s opinions of our
popularity at bay. During my five hours where the only people I knew in the
city were uncontactable, I wandered around Westminster, The National Gallery
and Trafalgar Square, catching glimpses of myself in my reflection in windows,
and feeling happy and proud and wonderfully, blissfully alone. At one point I wrote the two of them a
letter, just because it felt like the only means of contacting them, and it was
so nice and pleasant, to be away from technology, as I sat there with my day planner,
wristwatch and pen, all remnants of another time that I sometimes desperately
try to recapture. By the time the three of us met again, I had vowed to wander
my own city by myself more often, and make use of the novels I always have in
my bag in case of solitude.
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